But...
I swear to God some days you could set my ass with linen, fine china, crystal and sterling silver and sail me to England. It would be a bumpy ride, but I can assure you, I float. So, last week I’m in the swimming pool at the local middle school where Zach is an A Student (brag, brag) and I’m enjoying a few lunch-time laps before I put lunch in my lap. When I’m done marveling at the sound of my own thigh rubbage underwater, I haul butt up the ladder and unload my sorry self in the communal shower. Who else is in there but a certain skank who weighs next to nothing and wears even less for underwear. We don’t talk and rarely make eye contact because she’s usually too busy pondering her glory in the mirror. But today I notice her looking around as if lost. I lifted my armpit in her direction, ready to lather, when I wondered if I should inquire as to her perplexity. But she of the perfect complexion solved the problem. She took the wad of gum she’d been masticating out of her mouth and walked a few feet to the pool door. With nary a thought, the crazy bitch dropped her gum on the floor, right next to the frickin’ door and shashayed her bony white ass onto the pool deck. While pushing soapy hair out of my face, I reported this near criminal and outright disgusting behavior to a few of the flabby old bags who joined me following their swim. After a collective “ewwww”, I decided to toss a paper towel over the gum as a reminder to the crazy bitch to scoop her own goop when she finished slicing through the water in her Speedo. Problem is? I just found out today that when she returned from the deep, she took one look at the paper towel and walked right over it. Left it for the Vietnamese janitor to clean up, I s’pose. (Memo to Zach: don’t use the girl’s locker room.) And a post-it note for the skank: you might swim in water, but you don’t walk on it. Don’t do that again you disgusting hussy.
I swear to God some days you could set my ass with linen, fine china, crystal and sterling silver and sail me to England. It would be a bumpy ride, but I can assure you, I float. So, last week I’m in the swimming pool at the local middle school where Zach is an A Student (brag, brag) and I’m enjoying a few lunch-time laps before I put lunch in my lap. When I’m done marveling at the sound of my own thigh rubbage underwater, I haul butt up the ladder and unload my sorry self in the communal shower. Who else is in there but a certain skank who weighs next to nothing and wears even less for underwear. We don’t talk and rarely make eye contact because she’s usually too busy pondering her glory in the mirror. But today I notice her looking around as if lost. I lifted my armpit in her direction, ready to lather, when I wondered if I should inquire as to her perplexity. But she of the perfect complexion solved the problem. She took the wad of gum she’d been masticating out of her mouth and walked a few feet to the pool door. With nary a thought, the crazy bitch dropped her gum on the floor, right next to the frickin’ door and shashayed her bony white ass onto the pool deck. While pushing soapy hair out of my face, I reported this near criminal and outright disgusting behavior to a few of the flabby old bags who joined me following their swim. After a collective “ewwww”, I decided to toss a paper towel over the gum as a reminder to the crazy bitch to scoop her own goop when she finished slicing through the water in her Speedo. Problem is? I just found out today that when she returned from the deep, she took one look at the paper towel and walked right over it. Left it for the Vietnamese janitor to clean up, I s’pose. (Memo to Zach: don’t use the girl’s locker room.) And a post-it note for the skank: you might swim in water, but you don’t walk on it. Don’t do that again you disgusting hussy.
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